“Charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.”Perhaps you now realize that it is a bit more than sending $5 for food to the starving children in Africa (although a commendable cause, mind you). I challenge you to reread the quote above, but replace the word charity with your name (unless your name is Charity). Read it out loud for more effect. Come on, don’t be shy. Does it sound like you? When I completed this task I felt a surge of truth followed by a prodding to do better.
Let’s get to our first question- what about me? Well, didn’t we just answer that? Be what charity is. It’s ok if you have a ways to go. If you found yourself thinking how your spouse can improve in that area when that suggestion was made, then this challenge really is for you. Were you offended when I said that? Do you know what that feeling is? It is pride. Oh good, you say. Wrong, buddy. Do you know what pride really is? It certainly is not what the general public thinks it means.
Ezra Taft Benson tells us that “essentially, pride is a “my will” rather than “thy will” approach to life.” (Check out this link for further information: https://www.lds.org/manual/eternal-marriage-student-manual/pride?lang=eng)Let me ask our question again. What about me? What do I get out of this marriage? I hate to tell you this, but if this is your approach, as it is for many people (hence the rampant rate of divorce in our society because people no longer feel like they are getting what they want out of marriage), then you are on a speedy train toward marital dissolution.
Benson further instructs us that “selfishness is one of the more common faces of pride. “How everything affects me” is the center of all that matters—self-conceit, self-pity, worldly self-fulfillment, self-gratification, and self-seeking.”When my previous marriage failed I blamed almost everything on my ex-husband. Now that I am almost a year into my current marriage I am recognizing come issues popping up like little harmless mushrooms. Let me ask you something- have you ever left that mushroom in your yard alone for a day or two, and then gone outside to check and it has somehow called all of its friends over until there is so much fungus among us that you fear for you safety? That is what happens to your marriage when you start playing the blame game. Let one little fungi in and pretty soon you are no longer a fun guy (or lady). It’s ok to get irritated; it's what you do with this irritation that determines the quality of your marriage.
H. Wallace Goddard counsels us that “irritation can be our friend. It alerts us to the risk of blisters when we sense a pebble in our shoes. In marriage, irritation serves the vital function of alerting us that something we are doing (or feeling, or saying) is creating a sore. While the natural man is inclined to think that the problem is our partner, the man of Christ knows that the irritation is probably the result of some faulty thinking—some troublesome assumption and expectation nested in our unconscious. We can remove the judging even if we cannot track down the troublesome assumptions.”So, what about me? I can recognize these irritations with my spouse as opportunities to root out the pride in my heart before it spreads. Pride is the operating malignant force in a marriage. Root it out.
So, you may be thinking, this is all good in theory, but how do I do this?
John Gottman suggests that “when you have a conflict, the key is to be willing to compromise. You do this by searching through your partner’s request for something you can agree to.”If you don’t look for a way to compromise and accept influence from your partner then you will find yourself in a perpetual tug-of-war with your spouse over power in your marriage.
Gottman points out that “accepting influence doesn’t mean never expressing negative emotions toward your partner. Marriages can survive plenty of flashes of anger, complaints, even criticisms. Trying to suppress negative feelings in your spouse’s presence wouldn’t be good for your marriage or your blood pressure. The problem comes when even mild dissatisfaction on the wife’s part is met by a barrage from her husband that, instead of toning down or at the most matching her degree of negativity (yelling back, complaining, etc.), goes beyond it.”This is of course true the other way around as well, but women are more naturally accepting of influence and the opinion of their husbands. There are many reasons for this, including gender-typing from a young age, but we won’t go into this here.
What does all of this have to do with our question of what about me? The answer is to change the meaning of the question. On first look this query may be seen as selfish, but we’ve already kicked selfishness out of this. We know what to do- we are going to accept influence from our spouse and find out what he or she is really requesting so that we can solve our problems. We have also decided that we aren’t just in this marriage for us. You might as well marry your reflection if you are just in it for personal gain. We have also decided that we are not going to play the blame game, or let fungus take over our marital landscape. We have also explored how charity annihilates pride by replacing the screaming "me!-me!" with a long-suffering, kind, patient, true, hopeful, and enduring love.
Do you remember that pride is a my will instead of a thy (your) will approach to life? Have you considered how to get rid of pride and replace it with charity? Here comes the real answer to our question of what about me …
Humility. Say it out loud: “what about me? Humility.” Repeat it at least three times. Not only does it rhyme pleasantly as it jingles off your tongue, but it also has the power to change your life, and of course your marriage as well. We could spend countless heaps of time and effort exploring what humility is, but Benson says it best:
“The antidote for pride is humility—meekness, submissiveness. … We can choose to humble ourselves by receiving counsel and chastisement.”Benson goes on to mention other ways to humble ourselves:
- by forgiving those who have offended us
- by rendering selfless service
- by preaching the word that can humble others
- by getting to the temple more frequently (feel free to ask for more clarification on what this means)
- by confessing and forsaking our sins
- by loving God, submitting our will to His, and putting Him first in our lives
So, what about me? Am I ready to be humble in order to improve myself and be the very best spouse that I can be? Heck yeah.
So … what about you?
References:
Goddard, H. Wallace (2010-02-03). Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage (Kindle Location 1675). JoyMap Publishing. Kindle Edition.
Gottman, John Phd; Silver, Nan (2015-05-05). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert (p. 126). Potter/TenSpeed/Harmony. Kindle Edition.
Benson, Ezra Taft (1989). Beware of Pride. https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1989/04/beware-of-pride?lang=eng
Pride. Eternal Marriage Student Manual, (2003), 268–73. https://www.lds.org/manual/eternal-marriage-student-manual/pride?lang=eng
Charity. https://www.lds.org/topics/charity?lang=eng
Love it! I especially like the reminder that pride is "my will instead of thy will". I also really like the way you get the reader to physically engage in the article, to act. And finally, being humble enough to accept your spouse's influence.
ReplyDeleteThanks for these great insights and reminders!