How Can I Help?

Now that we have explored conflict, anger, and how to get along, it is time to move forward. Identifying our role in marital problems and conflict has been a huge step. We know that how we view our spouse and our marriage is our choice. Nobody can make us feel, think, or do anything. The truth is that we can convince ourselves that people can make us do things, but they really can’t. Take a look at Jesus Christ, our most wonderful example of charity and proper use of moral agency.

Perhaps now we are ready to put on our altruistic hats: how can I help? This is a wonderful attitude. This suffix of a question can be used in any manner of ways, but we will only be exploring a couple here:

How can I help myself?
How can I help my spouse?
How can I help our marriage?

There is of course a long answer for each question, but there is also a short one that answers all of the questions at once. Shall we see if you can determine the short answer based on the long ones? Think simple and broad at the same time. But first, let me tell my story.

 “We are going to have the best marriage ever!” my husband-to-be and I shout in unison. “Why do you think that is, dear?” I thoughtfully ask after a pause. “Well, I think that we aren’t going to have anything to fight about, that we just love each other too much, and that we have our previous marriages to show us how not to treat each other” he answers. “Now open your Christmas gift.” I settle the Skype screen on my computer so that he can see me unwrap the gift. He looks pretty excited. I rip open the shiny paper to see our selfie faces smiling back at me from inside the wrapping. I look up at him and smile. “Look closely” he says, eyes a-twinkle. I do, and detect our mantra etched into the top of the shiny silver picture frame. Tears fill my eyes as I meet his through the computer screen. “We are going to have the best marriage ever!” I manage to get out before a happy sob steals my voice.

My husband and I still believe that we will have the best marriage ever, but our idea of why has shifted as experience filters our view. We are no longer naive enough to think that we will not fight or have any trouble, but perhaps we can keep this goal in sight as our marriage matures. How can I help myself, my spouse, and our marriage?
 

John Gottman helps us understand “the problem is that we tend to focus on what’s missing in our mate and overlook the fine qualities that are there— we take those for granted. If you recognize yourself in the description of the self-critic, the best thing you can do for yourself and your marriage is to work on accepting yourself with all of your flaws.”

Well, I thought it was best to focus on your spouse’s flaws so that you can help them be a better person, right? Isn’t it harder for you to see your own flaws? Wouldn’t it make more sense to help each other work on theirs? Oh boy. I may have thought those things a year ago, but now I am beginning to realize that it really doesn’t matter if my husband likes to use his down-time to stare at his phone instead of me. Yes, I don’t like it, but why should I torture myself by focusing on that? Why ruminate on how it must mean that he doesn’t like my company, doesn’t put our marriage as a priority, or thinks that I am boring? Chances are he doesn’t think this way at all. Why should I go putting words in his mouth and treat him as if he was speaking them?
 
How about the other extreme- what is wrong with me? Why can’t I just notice all of the good things? Why do I keep getting irritated about my husband’s supposed deficits? Why do I keep getting angry/upset/depressed/overwhelmed/unhappy/blahblahblah???

Gottman points out that “expressions of thanksgiving and praise are the antidotes to the poison of criticism and its deadly cousin, contempt.”

Can this work for myself as well as my spouse? How can I help myself, my spouse, and our marriage? I can look for the positive, the silver lining, the sunshine, the good stuff. Ok, now that I see it, how can I help? I’m ready with the simple/broad/short answer: BE HUMBLE.

Goddard describes this idea for us: “our weakness is divinely appointed. It is intentional and heaven-sent. And it has one purpose: to make us humble.”

Guess what? It is ok to have weaknesses. We are supposed to have weaknesses. How else could we be humble? How else can we help? I will end with some final words of wisdom from Wallace Goddard:

“We are not responsible to fix the universe—or even our marriages. We are to cheerfully do all that we are able to do. Then we ask God to make up the difference”.

How can I help? I can be humble and cheerfully do all that I can, and then let God help where my ability ends.

References:

Goddard, H. Wallace (2010-02-03). Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage (Kindle Location 3099, 3126-3127). JoyMap Publishing. Kindle Edition.

Gottman, John Phd; Silver, Nan (2015-05-05). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert (p. 283). Potter/TenSpeed/Harmony. Kindle Edition.