What Do I Do Now?

So far in the course of this blog we have found answers to some of marriage’s hardest questions.

Let’s review:

• What is marriage? Marriage, like a human life, is a precious thing.
• Why traditional marriage? Traditionally, there is no better way to create a society of upstanding individuals in league for the greater good.
• Why covenant marriage? So you can have a forever marriage where each spouse is giving 100%, thinks more of the other than themselves, and helps you and themselves become stronger and better people.
• What is the secret to a happy marriage? Friendship.
• Why should I try? So that you and your spouse can be and stay happily married.

This review brings us to a new place. We have discussed many of the basic reasons as to what type of marriage we should have and why. Now that we are here, what do we do now? There is no single answer to this question, but I can give you a good place to start.

Do you think that your marriage is by chance? I can tell you that it is not. Perhaps you think it is fate, and that fate is the opposite of chance. I think it is more of a designed destiny. The choices that we make bring us to who we are at any given moment. We are the owners of our own agency, yet God has a plan for each of us, and he has our back.

Wallace Goddard warns that “Satan wants us to believe that our commitments (such as marriage partner) are chance events. That way we have no responsibility to repent. We simply re-make the decision. We move to a new marriage. It makes perfect sense—perfect telestial [worldly] sense. However, serial monogamy often means failed growth.”

In my previous marriage I failed to overcome many challenges that could’ve aided my growth. I do not regret my decisions as I feel that I am wiser now looking back on them, but I recognize that I did miss many opportunities to improve. I now have a life reference to compare things to.

Goddard continues with the revelation that “irritation is an invitation to better thinking and acting … but it isn’t a matter of stubborn resolve. It is a matter of replacing irritation with compassion and charity; replacing accusation with humility; replacing frustration with invitation.”

Why did my husband leave up the toilet seat again? Does he even care that I might fall into the toilet? Why does my wife always nag at me when I get home? Doesn’t she realize that I have so many things on my mind at work right now that I am too tired to fix that stupid chair? Why doesn’t he/she care about me?

What do I do now?

• Choice A: I get mad. I get defensive. So what if I leave up the toilet seat? She never folds my laundry and instead lets it sit in the drier to wrinkle! I get sad. I get defensive. He deserves to be nagged because he cares more about work than he cares about our family. I get exasperated. I get defensive. I do care! Doesn’t he/she see all that I do for our family?
  
  or ...

• Choice B: I pause. I respond. I do leave up the toilet seat. I should try harder to remember. I breathe. I respond. I need to focus on being happy that my husband is home. Perhaps he is having a hard time at work right now. I ponder. I respond. I do care, but perhaps I could do a better job at showing it.

Choice A will keep your relationship spiraling through a positive feedback loop of defensiveness and poor communication (positive = an action that encourages a repetition of a good or bad behavior), eventually reaching a point where neither of you would like to go on. You may even be able to convince yourselves that you never loved each other in the first place, or blame your decision to marry on courtship hormones. She nags you, you respond defensively, she gets upset, you avoid her, she nags you; rinse and repeat.




In contrast, choice B will help you change your responses, and will in turn influence the responses that your spouse has as well. It will encourage trust and empathy. It will involve negative feedback of listening and understanding (negative = an action that encourages a deviation from standard good or bad behavior), acting as a catalyst for change in your interactions with each other. This new way of acting and responding to each other will become the new normal.

John Gottman suggests that “before you reply defensively to your partner, pause for a moment and search for a bid underneath your partner’s harsh words. Then, focus on the bid, not the delivery. If you find it difficult not to react defensively … take … deep breaths.”

This bid that he is talking about is just what it sounds like- a bid for attention or understanding. It is an opportunity. Instead of hearing the harsh or criticizing words of your spouse you can look instead for the bid, or the real meaning behind the words, just as choice B exemplifies.

Goddard encourages that “when our partners say or do things that surprise or bother us, we can begin a friendly investigation. In our own minds we can ask ourselves, 'I wonder why he feels or acts that way?' 'I wonder why that is important to her?' Rather than judging our partners, we can seek to understand them. … Rather than respond to our partner’s negativity with our own negativity, we can invite them to greater closeness and peacefulness when we offer persuasion, long-suffering, gentleness, meekness, and love unfeigned (See D&C 121:41).”

What do I do now? Take a deep breath, empathize, refrain from judging. Offer persuasion, long-suffering, gentleness, meekness, and love unfeigned. In essence, embrace and offer true love (charity).

What do I do now? Embrace charity.

(What is charity? Discover here: https://www.lds.org/topics/charity?lang=eng)

References:

Gottman, John Phd; Silver, Nan (2015-05-05). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert (p. 92). Potter/TenSpeed/Harmony. Kindle Edition. 

Goddard, H. Wallace (2010-02-03). Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage (Kindle Locations 1272-1275, 1315-1318, 1328-1329). JoyMap Publishing. Kindle Edition.