The Blame Game

It’s not my fault. Don’t worry about it. I was born this way. It’s okay. She started it. He looked at me funny. She doesn’t agree with me, so she must be wrong. The teacher gave me a bad grade on my assignment so they’re making me fail the class now. Video game violence is the reason for school shootings. My neighbor keeps letting her dog poop in my yard and now my grass is ruined. My brother keeps fighting with me and my parents are getting divorced now because of him. My mom is so mean and won’t let me play with my friends until my room is clean. This is so unfair!

We’ve all heard these and other similar excuses and explanations. Some of them may even seem valid. Have you ever blamed someone for ruining your day? If so you are not alone.

Misplaced accountability is not a new epidemic, but it is one that has been fed, nurtured, and allowed to run wild in our society today. What if I told you how you felt is your fault? What if you did have to worry about it? What if you knew that yes, you were born with certain genetic predispositions, but nurture is also intertwined in developing who you are? Yes, she may have started it, but you contributed to and were involved in the issue. Maybe he wasn’t looking at you funny and that is just how he looks at people. We could go on and on and reframe each of the above statements to help you see, but I hope you are getting the picture. Yes, it is not all your fault, but some of it is. Have you ever heard that life isn’t fair? Well, it’s true, and I hope that for all of our sakes that you start getting used to it.

Each individual is responsible for his or her own thoughts, actions, and words. Part of this is what some call nature, and another part is what some call nurture. I like to call it temperament, which is a set of behaviors in a person shaped by genetics and socialization. Your temperament is something that is uniquely yours. How does it get that way? Some of it you are born with, but it is also shaped through socialization. Socialization is the impact that your environment has on you that teaches you how to behave (it is also the impact that you have on your environment- don’t forget that part).

One big, giant, humongous, earth-shattering influence is how you are parented. There are several different styles recognized, and most parents fall primarily in one of these styles: permissive, authoritarian, and authoritative (please click on the links to learn what each style is about). Permissive parenting is a big culprit in fostering misplaced accountability because, according to Gwen Dewar, Ph.D, parents are reluctant to impose limits. 

When limits are imposed by parents then children will retain those limits and begin to govern themselves. Permissive parenting may not be fully to blame, but if you don’t teach your children how to make good decisions then they will likely make bad ones and blame others for how they think, feel, and act. Have you ever read the book Lord of the Flies? Here is a quick clip of the movie Lord of the Flies to demonstrate what could happen if children were left to govern themselves.

Another way that children aren’t socialized to internalize proper rules to govern themselves and learn accountability is through helicopter parenting. Joel L. Young, M.D., tells us that “helicopter parenting does kids no favors”. It is pretty much what it sounds like- hover over the children, don’t let them make mistakes, make decisions for them, and don’t let them learn in any other way than you want them to. This creates anxious little people who have no idea how to take care of themselves. With this mindset you can see that nothing would be the child’s fault. How could it be when they don’t know that they can do anything for themselves?

How a child is parented has a lot to do with how they will turn out. Parents- guess what? It is your fault if you don’t do your best to help your children become empowered to make decisions. If you don’t teach children how to make decisions, and help them to learn what good decisions are, what natural consequences are, and that they need to be held accountable for their thoughts, words, actions, and feelings, then you are contributing to the blame game generation. 

What if you don’t have children? Is it still your fault? Absolutely. You are responsible for your own feelings, thoughts, words, and actions. Lead by example. Children are watching you. Adults are watching you. You are on display to the world. EVERYONE is accountable for how they feel. EVERYONE is accountable for how they think. EVERYONE is accountable for how they act. EVERYONE is accountable for how they speak.

Do your part and teach yourself that you are accountable. It is your fault how you think, feel, speak, act, and even react. Then teach the world in any way you know how. Use your strengths to pass along this information. Be forgiving of others and yourself. Allow for mistakes to happen. Live life- just be accountable for it.

Cheap Date Roulette- Week 4

Week 4

Number 9: Spread the Smile

An opportunity for the perfect venue presented itself- a wedding! Amidst the sand, sun, rain, and waves we shielded our eyes as we watched the nuptials. Wife knew one person (the bride) in this casual celebration (husband knew a handful more). Could you think of a better place to spread the smile? Wife smiled at everyone, whether they chose to study the floor or be aware, and husband struck up conversations with others. It was a great time to help spread happiness to others, but any venue or location would do. Purpose- spread the smile to as many faces as you can, all while having a great time yourself.

Everyone won this round.

Lessons learned: don't drive two hours away in a time crunch, Oregon beaches are not California beaches, smiles really are contagious, and this cheapest of dates can be quite rewarding.

Optional step: bring other people in on your smiley scheme.

Optional optional step: eat more cake.

Can't stop, won't stop spreading the smile!

Cheap Date Roulette- Week 3

Week 3

Number 8: Public Hide & Seek

Have you ever seen adults behaving strangely in public? (If you've watched us in the park then you have.) We chose a wooded and grassy area to begin the shenanigans. Hiding commenced during a count to 60, and seek began with a timer (set on our phones) for 5 minutes. We found one another within the time limit each round, and at one point husband employed a lookout, which backfired and gave him away ("I think she saw you man").

I would say husband won this round because of wife's poor wardrobe choice lending to a strong handicap in locating a hiding place among the trees and brush.

Lessons learned: bring water for hydration instead of a can of sparkling water, wear colors that blend in with the natural environment instead of broadcasting your location, listen when bystanders tell you that the spot isn't a good choice, and don't wear a dress while squatting in weeds.

Optional step: pick a different venue such as a mall or professional garden.

Optional optional step: $1 ice cream afterward at McDonalds.

Happy hunting!

Cheap Date Roulete- Week 2

Week 2

Number 5: Selfie Scavenger Hunt

It all started with a simple list of 5 items each and a 15 minute time limit. We pulled into a busy parking lot as we looked for the best place to do the deed. We split up, each with the list that we had made for one another, to take selfies holding/discovering each item.

Wife won (wife 2, husband 0) with 7 minutes to spare, and unfortunately husband never finished number 4 (he blames the elusive ant) and only completed 3 of the items within the time limit.

Lessons learned: (husband) pick more difficult items, realize that you will likely feel a bit like a creeper taking selfies in a grocery store, wearing a "body by pizza" shirt will get you compliments, getting a sample of cheese is harder than it sounds, and ants don't like photos.

Optional step: $4 dinner from the dollar store. I'm not sure if I truly suggest that or not, but feel free to partake.

Optional optional step: take a photo at the dollar store with a certificate of achievement to really seal the deal.

Wife's list:
1) With a yellow car
2) Holding a banana
3) In sneak mode with a person in the background
4) With flowers in your hair
5) Drinking from a water fountain

Husband's list:
1) Hiding behind a tree
2) Reading a book about a monkey
3) Standing under a street sign with the letter "W"
4) Holding a bug
5) Eating cheese

What will next week bring?

Cheap Date Roulette- Week 1

New Edition: Cheap Date Roulette

 

Introduction

We all should recognize that dating your spouse is vital to a happy and healthy marriage. What is holding you back? For us it was cost, setting aside time, having good ideas, and just plain laziness. My husband and I recently came up with a list of 19 date ideas that are both fun and inexpensive. Some of them seem incredibly crazy and stretch the bounds of our introverted-ness, so to avoid avoiding these we have set up a system. Each Monday we use a random number generator (thanks Google) to pick a number between 1 and 19, then commit to that date for the upcoming Friday. No weaseling out of the date ideas this way (husbands)!

Week 1

Number 10 : Board Game in the Park

Wife picked the game (Catan 2 player card game) and husband picked the park (beautiful and green). Nature contributed a wonderful breeze (picture scrambling for flying objects and holding down the table of cards), a lovely watery backdrop, and the culmination of a passion fruit sunset.

Wife won the game (of course), but husband was a good sport.

Lessons learned: think of potential airy hazards while picking the game, setting matters to bring the ambiance of date-ness, be goofy, and accept the inquisitive bemused stares from fellow park-goers.

 Happy dating!

What About My Parents?

Yes, this does seem like a broad question. So, what about them? Let me start by presenting some other questions first. Let’s pretend you just recently got married.

Why won’t my mom leave me alone?
What do we do about holidays?
My mother-in-law has very strong opinions- why is she upset that I don’t agree?
Why does my spouse get upset every time I mention the possibility of moving out of the area?
Doesn’t mom know best?

Do any of these questions sound familiar to you? If not, I am sure that there are similar ones that would totally work for you. If so, then I will give you some valuable information so that you can answer your questions for yourself. What? You expected me to give you all of the answers? Have you ever heard of that old adage about fishing?

Instead, let me give you the way to answer your questions. It’s from the Bible, in Genesis 2:24: “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother and shall cleave unto his wife.” So what does this mean? When I think of cleave I think of a cleaver, and doesn’t that split things up? NO! The dictionary tells us that cleave means to remain attached, devoted, or faithful to, and to remain steadfast.

So, why won’t your mom leave you alone? Chances are she didn’t get the memo that you grew up, got married, and have someone else now to make all of your life decisions with. Sometimes this can be a very hard transition for parents, so be patient. Marrying into a new family can be hard, both in dealings with the changes regarding your family of origin and with your new in-laws. 

James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen tell us that “marrying into a family that is different from yours or has different values can be a challenge. Demonstrating humor, exercising patience, overlooking small irritations, and looking for the positive can help in dealing with differences.”

Those are some wise words, and they will help you figure out how to accept differences and deal with the strong opinions of your in-laws. Instead of looking at those differences as deficits, look at them as opportunities for growth, for your entire extended family.

Harper and Olsen continue that “difference is something that can be anticipated and even looked forward to because of its potential for creating growth in family members.”

Way to go! So, what about your parents? You can improve relationships with them by setting boundaries so that your marriage is strong and happy. Make sure to have as much regular contact as you’d like, but keep the decisions and the person you turn to in every situation first be your spouse. You can both decide together to seek counsel from either set of parents or other family members, but you must do it together.

Since I haven’t talked about my ex-husband in a while I might as well bring him up. While we were married, every time something happened, be it exciting or problematic, he immediately contacted his cousin first. He told me they were best friends, and that is just what they had always done. I ended up feeling left out, and this helped create the rift between us that widened into an impassable chasm.

Although this example didn't include parents, it is an example of how marriages can be broken down by outsourcing. Don’t do it! If you find yourself first turning to another, including your parents, do yourself a favor and stop. Ask yourself how your spouse feels, and then how you would feel if this happened to you.

Have you answered the question of what about my parents yet? Here is my answer: they are great resources, and sources of love, knowledge, and other great things, but they should never be who you go to first when you have a concern, problem, or decision to make. You go to your spouse first. While things may go differently than you expect, learn to work them out. You will never lose when you sincerely approach your spouse and ask for companionship through the decisions you both make together regarding your family.



Reference:

Harper, James M. & Olsen, Susanne Frost. “Helping and Healing Our Families” (2005) Chapter 37 Creating Healthy Ties with In-laws and Extended Families.

How Can We Come to a Consensus?

When it comes to making decisions together as a couple, what do you do? I have heard much advice to try and compromise. At first this sounded like a good idea to me, but then I thought about what compromising really means: both parties give something up in order to come to an agreement on part of what they’d like. Do you remember from one of my previous posts about covenant marriage? In a covenant marriage both parties give 100%, not 50/50. If this is true for all other aspects of marriage, why not for making important decisions? I think that we should be giving 100% and seeking the best decision possible. Yeah, easier said than done, but it is definitely a worthy goal.

So, what is a consensus? It is a decision that is reached through unity in purpose. It is best achieved through prayer, patience, and listening for the spirit to teach you what God knows is best for you. It can be really difficult to come to a consensus, especially if we bring pride to the table by already deciding before a discussion what we want the answer to be. The best thing to do is to present the problem and make additive statements (instead of criticism) in order to come to the best decision. Sounds great, but this is so easier said than done.

My husband and I tried a council session with the techniques just described. We were having a hard time coming to a decision on how much to charge our renter. We both came into it with preconceived notions of how we thought things should turn out. I don’t recommend doing it that way because walls need to be knocked down before any real progress is made on the road to a consensus. After close to an hour we had transitioned through different phases of discussion: careful explanation, calm expression of ideas, impasse, eye rolling, emotional breakdown, discussion of a root problem contributing to the impasse, repair attempts, compromise, discussion about consensus vs. compromise, thorough discussion about resolution, resolve, and then finally consensus (I hope!). My husband bravely decided that it was ok to step outside of his comfort zone. This definitely didn't go as planned!

I have decided that this last point is one of the major lessons to learn about consensus: stepping outside of our comfort zone. Consensus is not something that we want and that we are comfortable with; it is what God wants for us as the best option. We may like to think that we know better, but we are still learning.

M. Russell Ballard gives us a description of how consensus is reached during formal councils in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints: “I have noticed that each of the Brethren is not so much concerned with expressing his own point of view as he is with listening to the point of view of others and striving to create a proper climate in the council meetings. They are sensitive to one another’s thoughts and rarely interrupt one another during their conversations. During discussion they do not push their own ideas but try to determine from the discussion what would be best for the kingdom.”

This is a perfect description of how we can come to a consensus with our spouse. When we come to a consensus we are experiencing unity. But to be unified in purpose does not mean we are to be the same as our spouse, or to always think like them.

Henry B. Eyring tells us that “a man and his wife learn to be one by using their similarities to understand each other and their differences to complement each other in serving one another and those around them.”

I don’t have to think and act like my husband to be one with him. We don’t have to, and really shouldn’t be, the same. We can work together in unity to come to a consensus regarding important decisions in our lives.

How can we come to a consensus? By listening, being receptive, open, patient, sensitive, and thinking of what is best for our family. We can come to a consensus by coming to a decision together, as equal partners. Through unity.

 


References:

Ballard, M. Russell (2012-09-03). Counseling with our Councils: Revised Edition: Learning to Minister Together in the Church and in the Family (Kindle Locations 811-815). Deseret Book Company. Kindle Edition. 

Eyring, Henry B. (May 1998). That We May Be One. Ensign.