How Can We Come to a Consensus?

When it comes to making decisions together as a couple, what do you do? I have heard much advice to try and compromise. At first this sounded like a good idea to me, but then I thought about what compromising really means: both parties give something up in order to come to an agreement on part of what they’d like. Do you remember from one of my previous posts about covenant marriage? In a covenant marriage both parties give 100%, not 50/50. If this is true for all other aspects of marriage, why not for making important decisions? I think that we should be giving 100% and seeking the best decision possible. Yeah, easier said than done, but it is definitely a worthy goal.

So, what is a consensus? It is a decision that is reached through unity in purpose. It is best achieved through prayer, patience, and listening for the spirit to teach you what God knows is best for you. It can be really difficult to come to a consensus, especially if we bring pride to the table by already deciding before a discussion what we want the answer to be. The best thing to do is to present the problem and make additive statements (instead of criticism) in order to come to the best decision. Sounds great, but this is so easier said than done.

My husband and I tried a council session with the techniques just described. We were having a hard time coming to a decision on how much to charge our renter. We both came into it with preconceived notions of how we thought things should turn out. I don’t recommend doing it that way because walls need to be knocked down before any real progress is made on the road to a consensus. After close to an hour we had transitioned through different phases of discussion: careful explanation, calm expression of ideas, impasse, eye rolling, emotional breakdown, discussion of a root problem contributing to the impasse, repair attempts, compromise, discussion about consensus vs. compromise, thorough discussion about resolution, resolve, and then finally consensus (I hope!). My husband bravely decided that it was ok to step outside of his comfort zone. This definitely didn't go as planned!

I have decided that this last point is one of the major lessons to learn about consensus: stepping outside of our comfort zone. Consensus is not something that we want and that we are comfortable with; it is what God wants for us as the best option. We may like to think that we know better, but we are still learning.

M. Russell Ballard gives us a description of how consensus is reached during formal councils in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints: “I have noticed that each of the Brethren is not so much concerned with expressing his own point of view as he is with listening to the point of view of others and striving to create a proper climate in the council meetings. They are sensitive to one another’s thoughts and rarely interrupt one another during their conversations. During discussion they do not push their own ideas but try to determine from the discussion what would be best for the kingdom.”

This is a perfect description of how we can come to a consensus with our spouse. When we come to a consensus we are experiencing unity. But to be unified in purpose does not mean we are to be the same as our spouse, or to always think like them.

Henry B. Eyring tells us that “a man and his wife learn to be one by using their similarities to understand each other and their differences to complement each other in serving one another and those around them.”

I don’t have to think and act like my husband to be one with him. We don’t have to, and really shouldn’t be, the same. We can work together in unity to come to a consensus regarding important decisions in our lives.

How can we come to a consensus? By listening, being receptive, open, patient, sensitive, and thinking of what is best for our family. We can come to a consensus by coming to a decision together, as equal partners. Through unity.

 


References:

Ballard, M. Russell (2012-09-03). Counseling with our Councils: Revised Edition: Learning to Minister Together in the Church and in the Family (Kindle Locations 811-815). Deseret Book Company. Kindle Edition. 

Eyring, Henry B. (May 1998). That We May Be One. Ensign.