What About My Parents?

Yes, this does seem like a broad question. So, what about them? Let me start by presenting some other questions first. Let’s pretend you just recently got married.

Why won’t my mom leave me alone?
What do we do about holidays?
My mother-in-law has very strong opinions- why is she upset that I don’t agree?
Why does my spouse get upset every time I mention the possibility of moving out of the area?
Doesn’t mom know best?

Do any of these questions sound familiar to you? If not, I am sure that there are similar ones that would totally work for you. If so, then I will give you some valuable information so that you can answer your questions for yourself. What? You expected me to give you all of the answers? Have you ever heard of that old adage about fishing?

Instead, let me give you the way to answer your questions. It’s from the Bible, in Genesis 2:24: “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother and shall cleave unto his wife.” So what does this mean? When I think of cleave I think of a cleaver, and doesn’t that split things up? NO! The dictionary tells us that cleave means to remain attached, devoted, or faithful to, and to remain steadfast.

So, why won’t your mom leave you alone? Chances are she didn’t get the memo that you grew up, got married, and have someone else now to make all of your life decisions with. Sometimes this can be a very hard transition for parents, so be patient. Marrying into a new family can be hard, both in dealings with the changes regarding your family of origin and with your new in-laws. 

James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen tell us that “marrying into a family that is different from yours or has different values can be a challenge. Demonstrating humor, exercising patience, overlooking small irritations, and looking for the positive can help in dealing with differences.”

Those are some wise words, and they will help you figure out how to accept differences and deal with the strong opinions of your in-laws. Instead of looking at those differences as deficits, look at them as opportunities for growth, for your entire extended family.

Harper and Olsen continue that “difference is something that can be anticipated and even looked forward to because of its potential for creating growth in family members.”

Way to go! So, what about your parents? You can improve relationships with them by setting boundaries so that your marriage is strong and happy. Make sure to have as much regular contact as you’d like, but keep the decisions and the person you turn to in every situation first be your spouse. You can both decide together to seek counsel from either set of parents or other family members, but you must do it together.

Since I haven’t talked about my ex-husband in a while I might as well bring him up. While we were married, every time something happened, be it exciting or problematic, he immediately contacted his cousin first. He told me they were best friends, and that is just what they had always done. I ended up feeling left out, and this helped create the rift between us that widened into an impassable chasm.

Although this example didn't include parents, it is an example of how marriages can be broken down by outsourcing. Don’t do it! If you find yourself first turning to another, including your parents, do yourself a favor and stop. Ask yourself how your spouse feels, and then how you would feel if this happened to you.

Have you answered the question of what about my parents yet? Here is my answer: they are great resources, and sources of love, knowledge, and other great things, but they should never be who you go to first when you have a concern, problem, or decision to make. You go to your spouse first. While things may go differently than you expect, learn to work them out. You will never lose when you sincerely approach your spouse and ask for companionship through the decisions you both make together regarding your family.



Reference:

Harper, James M. & Olsen, Susanne Frost. “Helping and Healing Our Families” (2005) Chapter 37 Creating Healthy Ties with In-laws and Extended Families.