We’ve all heard that one before:
can’t we all just get along? I believe we can. It is a choice that needs to be made every day between us and our spouses.
How about this one?
While we can’t make others forgive us, we can help by staying
calm during a disagreement. Another way to keep calm is to serve those we love.
H. Wallace Goddard advises us that “we can follow Christ’s example and act to serve and redeem our partners, or we can crab and complain that we have not gotten what we deserve.”
So why is it is so
hard to stay
calm and get along?
Can’t we just get along? Here are some reasons as to why we may be having difficulty: anger, conflict, and unrealistic unfair expectations.
Anger
Lynn G. Robbins offers the advice that “anger is an uncivil attempt to make another feel guilty or a cruel way of trying to correct them.”
Let me give you an
example: the other night I was working on my homework, yet again, and my husband asked me what I wanted for dinner. He has been very gracious to make dinner on the nights that I have a large amount of schoolwork after a full day at work. I have sensed in the last couple of weeks that he is tired of making dinner, and he has expressed frustration that he never knows what to make. Anticipating this frustration and seeking to give him some relief I thought of things on the way home that he could easily make for dinner. When he asked me what I wanted for dinner I was prepared with an answer, showed him a recipe, and suggested that he get started on a portion of it now so that he could relax while he was waiting for it to bake. I noticed that he became mildly irritated at my suggestion, but he got up to start it anyway. I helped him learn how to use the food processor, which he was mildly scared of, but he enjoyed how quickly the beets were chopped. I then suggested from my spot on the couch that he use the convection toaster oven as it heats the food more evenly and quickly, and he responded that he wanted to use the big oven because the beet slices shouldn’t be touching while they cooked and he didn’t think the toaster oven was big enough. I had already mentioned to him to use the mist (sprays straight olive oil) instead of the cooking spray as this would taste better on the beets, but when I made the suggestion he became visibly upset and told me to stop criticizing how he was making dinner and to stop telling him what to do. I was a bit taken aback because I had made an effort to frame what I thought were helpful suggestions in a way that would help ease his burden of cooking an unfamiliar item. We had a discussion about it as he continued to do things (he used the large oven but gave up the cooking spray, a compromise); I explained to him that I was trying to help him and alleviate stress, and he indicated that he was frustrated with me not just letting him do things his way. I mentioned that when he disregarded my suggestions I felt he was not accepting influence from me and that my opinions didn’t matter. I found myself fighting thoughts and feelings that I didn’t matter and that it would be much easier to not offer any suggestions in the future. He indicated that he felt I repeatedly corrected and criticized him, and that I had told him four or five different things in a row that he was doing wrong. I pointed out, moderately calm, that it had only been two things (he agreed when I asked him to give me specifics) and that I was trying to make suggestions to help him.
Long story, I know, but it illustrates much of what we are discussing here. My husband
chose to get
angry with me as he focused on his own frustration. I
chose to feel victimized and
angry that he wouldn’t take my influence. As Robbins said above, anger is an uncivil way to make another feel guilty. Even though I was not outwardly shouting or seeming angry, I was inadvertently trying to make my husband feel guilty for reacting with frustration. I was guilty of that part of the statement, as my husband was for using anger as a cruel way to correct me.
Conflict
Anger leads us into conflict, and often instigates it. John Gottman describes marital conflict as such:
“All marital conflicts, ranging from mundane annoyances to all-out wars, really fall into one of two categories: either they can be resolved, or they are perpetual, which means they will be a part of your lives forever in some form or another.”
This tells me that conflict is going to happen; we cannot keep it from happening. If we ignore it long enough then we will just internalize it and make it worse. Conflict that can be
resolved is based on specific issues without an underlying major problem. An example would be a wife asking her husband to take out the trash because he has forgotten again, and he asks her why she can’t be more understanding that he is tired from work and forgot. This conflict can be resolved by the couple discussing ways for him to remember to take out the trash, such as a reminder on his phone or polite acceptance of a reminder from his wife.
Conflict that is
perpetual is built on some serious underlying issues. If the trashcan incident evolves into the wife telling the husband she can’t trust him and he is unreliable, and he responds to say that she is selfish and tyrannical, then this is a perpetual conflict. The trash here isn’t the real issue; the underlying trust and blame are.
Gottman tells us that “in unstable marriages, perpetual problems like these eventually kill the relationship. Instead of coping with the problem effectively, the couple get gridlocked over it. They have the same conversation about it over and over again. They just spin their wheels, resolving nothing. Because they make no headway, they feel increasingly hurt, frustrated, and distrustful of each other.”
Doesn’t this sound lovely?
All marriages have conflict, but how you deal with it determines if your marriage is
stable or
unstable. You can still recover if you are in either one, but it is more difficult and will take a lot of time, patience, and effort to resolve conflict in an unstable marriage.
Unrealistic, Unfair Expectations
When you got married
did you expect everything to be perfect? Even better, did you expect your spouse to be perfect, or yourself to not by bothered by anything that they do? Truth is,
every single marriage will have problems. If you say otherwise, it is likely that either you or your spouse are ignoring or covering up the problems. If you have unrealistic or unfair expectations of yourself, your spouse, or your marriage, then you will have a hard time reaching that standard of perfection.
Goddard wisely states that “no partner on the face of the earth can meet all our needs. In mortality, we will live with disappointment. We can dwell on our discontent or we can celebrate the points of connection.”
When people in a marriage avoid issues and try to pretend nothing is happening then they are
giving up their marriages.
Gottman tells us that “more often marriages end because, to avoid constant skirmishes, husband and wife distance themselves so much that their friendship and sense of connection are lost.”
Do you have any unrealistic or unfair expectations that you can let go in your marriage?
Getting Along
Here are several suggestions on how you and your spouse can get along:
- “Have you set aside minor complaints and given your whole heart to your spouse?” (Goddard)
- “Those who will bear whatever is necessary in order to honor their covenants will be made glorious. They will experience eternal joy.” (Goddard)
- “Those who consecrate themselves to their marriage by bringing their whole souls as an offering to the everyday events of a relationship are building a storehouse of sweet memories. They are building an eternal relationship one brick at a time.” (Goddard)
- “Consecration is a covenant that moves us from asking how we can get our needs met to asking how we can bless and serve.” (Goddard)
- “They’ve learned to keep them in their place and approach them with a sense of humor.” (Gottman)
In the beet story above my husband and I have since found humor in the situation. After we apologized to each other and he said he loved me as repair attempts, we have referred to the beet incident as a way to bring attention in a humorous way to when either of us is ignoring the other’s influence. Today I made a comment that we don’t want another beet incident and he flashed his handsome grin and laughed.
- “The endless argument symbolizes some profound difference between the two of you that needs to be addressed before you can put the problem in its place.” (Gottman)
- “Make sure your start-up is soft rather than harsh, (2) learn the effective use of repair attempts, (3) monitor your physiology during tense discussions for warning signs of flooding, (4) learn how to compromise, and (5) become more tolerant of each other’s imperfections. Follow this advice and you’re likely to find that solvable problems no longer interfere with your marital happiness.” (Gottman)
- “In order to improve our relationship, we need to express acceptance of our partner.” (Gottman)
- “For a marriage to go forward happily, you need to pardon each other and give up on past resentments.” (Gottman)
- “It stands to reason that when a husband and wife respect each other and are open to each other’s point of view, they have a good basis for resolving any differences that arise.” (Gottman)
- “To convert a negative need to a positive one, focus on your negative emotions and look for the longing behind those feelings.” (Gottman)
- “Compromise is not about just one person changing. It’s about negotiating and finding ways to accommodate each other.” (Gottman)
- “Understanding the connection between agency and anger is the first step in eliminating it from our lives. We can choose not to become angry.” (Robbins)
Hopefully these suggestions have been helpful. I know that this post was a bit long, but it was important to address each of the reasons why we may be having difficulty getting along in our marriages, and what to do about it.
Can’t we just get along? Of course you can- it is your
choice.
Now take these tools I have taught you and make like Nike.
References:
Goddard, H. Wallace (2010-02-03). Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage (Kindle Locations 2193-2194, 2182-2183, 2294-2295, 2187-2188, 2251-2252, 2261-2262). JoyMap Publishing. Kindle Edition.
Agency and Anger Elder Lynn G. Robbins
Gottman, John Phd; Silver, Nan (2015-05-05). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert (p. 137, 140, 164, 138, 142, 158, 159, 160, 165, 184). Potter/TenSpeed/Harmony. Kindle Edition.
