Why Should I Try? (And Then How?)

Do you want a happy marriage? I sure do hope so! As you may’ve gathered from my last post, people who are happily married have marriages based on friendship, and friendship at its core is liking each other.

Thus, spouses + like each other = happily married.

We’re going to start out answering the original question early this time: why should I try? I believe we’ve already answered it: so you and your spouse can be happily married. But is that the real answer? I will let you determine that for yourself as you continue to hungrily eat up the words that I feed you.



Paul Gottman, the author mentioned in my previous post, tells us that the core of friendship is fondness and admiration. Think about it- if you are constantly annoyed by every little thing that your spouse does, are you happy? Are you friends? I am sure that we’ve all had that annoyingly whiny and negative friend that we just, for some unknown reason, keep subjecting ourselves to time and again. Do you want that person as your spouse? Do you want to be that person?

Gottman says that “by simply reminding yourself of your spouse’s positive qualities—even as you grapple with each other’s flaws—you can prevent a happy marriage from deteriorating. The simple reason is that fondness and admiration are antidotes for contempt.”

That is another answer to our first question- you should try because you can prevent your marriage from deteriorating. You can do this by developing fondness and admiration for your spouse.

Think of someone you don’t like. Why don’t you like them? Are they annoying, rude, selfish, crazy, lazy, pushy, fake, spiteful, dishonest, sad, or distasteful? My ex-husband comes to mind again (sorry, man).

One of the final straws that broke our marriage’s back was during my ex-husband's birthday party. Throughout that dreadful night he kept sending his friends over to tell me what sort of things I should be doing to him in the bedroom. In front of his dad. In great detail. I was thoroughly embarrassed, upset, sad, depressed, confused, and mortified. I ended up sitting in a corner alone, ignored except for the occasional distasteful recommendation. I sat there stewing as he cast snide glances in my direction. I left him there that night, in more ways than one.

Does that story not ooze contempt? No, I’m not blaming him, it was there on both of our parts. If I rewound time to 3 years before that night, prior to contempt as a way of life, you would likely have seen my thoughts portrayed much differently. I could have made the choice to foster fondness and admiration at that point. I probably could have found it at that party, but neither of us cared to. Our pattern had been set, and neither of us decided to fix it.

“Consider your thoughts, feelings, and actions that are the measure of your character” counsels Wallace Goddard in his book Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage.

You don’t have to end up wallowing in contempt. You can make changes now. If you come anywhere near this point in your marriage, you might find yourself asking why you should try. The truth is, every person, each potential spouse, comes with a mess of problems. What makes you think they would be any better with another person? Each new relationship is another potential set of problems. Don't keep running away. Instead, turn and embrace them, and mutually seek solutions together. Just look at yourself- really look inside. Are you perfect? Absolutely not, but you do have many wonderful qualities, as does your spouse. That is why you should try- to enhance the good qualities in yourself and in your mate.

Gottman wisely states that “the key to reinvigorating fondness and admiration is to get in the habit of scanning for qualities and actions that you can appreciate. And then, let your partner know what you’re observed and are grateful for.”

The plants that you water are the ones that grow (unless you are actually a plant in my house, and then you are most likely doomed). Don’t be that person who doesn’t want to look for and express gratitude for your spouse because you feel dumb doing it, or feel like you are being insincere. Developing a positive habit is not a bad thing, but instead gives you a more realistic perspective.
You always have a choice. Why choose to focus on the stupid stuff? Why dwell on negativity? Why shouldn’t you try? I say you should try, and give it all you’ve got.  

Why should you try? You tell me. You are what you eat.



References:

Gottman, John Phd; Silver, Nan (2015-05-05). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert (p. 22). Potter/TenSpeed/Harmony. Kindle Edition.

Goddard, H. Wallace (2010-02-03). Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage (Kindle Locations 994-995). JoyMap Publishing. Kindle Edition.