What About My Parents?

Yes, this does seem like a broad question. So, what about them? Let me start by presenting some other questions first. Let’s pretend you just recently got married.

Why won’t my mom leave me alone?
What do we do about holidays?
My mother-in-law has very strong opinions- why is she upset that I don’t agree?
Why does my spouse get upset every time I mention the possibility of moving out of the area?
Doesn’t mom know best?

Do any of these questions sound familiar to you? If not, I am sure that there are similar ones that would totally work for you. If so, then I will give you some valuable information so that you can answer your questions for yourself. What? You expected me to give you all of the answers? Have you ever heard of that old adage about fishing?

Instead, let me give you the way to answer your questions. It’s from the Bible, in Genesis 2:24: “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother and shall cleave unto his wife.” So what does this mean? When I think of cleave I think of a cleaver, and doesn’t that split things up? NO! The dictionary tells us that cleave means to remain attached, devoted, or faithful to, and to remain steadfast.

So, why won’t your mom leave you alone? Chances are she didn’t get the memo that you grew up, got married, and have someone else now to make all of your life decisions with. Sometimes this can be a very hard transition for parents, so be patient. Marrying into a new family can be hard, both in dealings with the changes regarding your family of origin and with your new in-laws. 

James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen tell us that “marrying into a family that is different from yours or has different values can be a challenge. Demonstrating humor, exercising patience, overlooking small irritations, and looking for the positive can help in dealing with differences.”

Those are some wise words, and they will help you figure out how to accept differences and deal with the strong opinions of your in-laws. Instead of looking at those differences as deficits, look at them as opportunities for growth, for your entire extended family.

Harper and Olsen continue that “difference is something that can be anticipated and even looked forward to because of its potential for creating growth in family members.”

Way to go! So, what about your parents? You can improve relationships with them by setting boundaries so that your marriage is strong and happy. Make sure to have as much regular contact as you’d like, but keep the decisions and the person you turn to in every situation first be your spouse. You can both decide together to seek counsel from either set of parents or other family members, but you must do it together.

Since I haven’t talked about my ex-husband in a while I might as well bring him up. While we were married, every time something happened, be it exciting or problematic, he immediately contacted his cousin first. He told me they were best friends, and that is just what they had always done. I ended up feeling left out, and this helped create the rift between us that widened into an impassable chasm.

Although this example didn't include parents, it is an example of how marriages can be broken down by outsourcing. Don’t do it! If you find yourself first turning to another, including your parents, do yourself a favor and stop. Ask yourself how your spouse feels, and then how you would feel if this happened to you.

Have you answered the question of what about my parents yet? Here is my answer: they are great resources, and sources of love, knowledge, and other great things, but they should never be who you go to first when you have a concern, problem, or decision to make. You go to your spouse first. While things may go differently than you expect, learn to work them out. You will never lose when you sincerely approach your spouse and ask for companionship through the decisions you both make together regarding your family.



Reference:

Harper, James M. & Olsen, Susanne Frost. “Helping and Healing Our Families” (2005) Chapter 37 Creating Healthy Ties with In-laws and Extended Families.

How Can We Come to a Consensus?

When it comes to making decisions together as a couple, what do you do? I have heard much advice to try and compromise. At first this sounded like a good idea to me, but then I thought about what compromising really means: both parties give something up in order to come to an agreement on part of what they’d like. Do you remember from one of my previous posts about covenant marriage? In a covenant marriage both parties give 100%, not 50/50. If this is true for all other aspects of marriage, why not for making important decisions? I think that we should be giving 100% and seeking the best decision possible. Yeah, easier said than done, but it is definitely a worthy goal.

So, what is a consensus? It is a decision that is reached through unity in purpose. It is best achieved through prayer, patience, and listening for the spirit to teach you what God knows is best for you. It can be really difficult to come to a consensus, especially if we bring pride to the table by already deciding before a discussion what we want the answer to be. The best thing to do is to present the problem and make additive statements (instead of criticism) in order to come to the best decision. Sounds great, but this is so easier said than done.

My husband and I tried a council session with the techniques just described. We were having a hard time coming to a decision on how much to charge our renter. We both came into it with preconceived notions of how we thought things should turn out. I don’t recommend doing it that way because walls need to be knocked down before any real progress is made on the road to a consensus. After close to an hour we had transitioned through different phases of discussion: careful explanation, calm expression of ideas, impasse, eye rolling, emotional breakdown, discussion of a root problem contributing to the impasse, repair attempts, compromise, discussion about consensus vs. compromise, thorough discussion about resolution, resolve, and then finally consensus (I hope!). My husband bravely decided that it was ok to step outside of his comfort zone. This definitely didn't go as planned!

I have decided that this last point is one of the major lessons to learn about consensus: stepping outside of our comfort zone. Consensus is not something that we want and that we are comfortable with; it is what God wants for us as the best option. We may like to think that we know better, but we are still learning.

M. Russell Ballard gives us a description of how consensus is reached during formal councils in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints: “I have noticed that each of the Brethren is not so much concerned with expressing his own point of view as he is with listening to the point of view of others and striving to create a proper climate in the council meetings. They are sensitive to one another’s thoughts and rarely interrupt one another during their conversations. During discussion they do not push their own ideas but try to determine from the discussion what would be best for the kingdom.”

This is a perfect description of how we can come to a consensus with our spouse. When we come to a consensus we are experiencing unity. But to be unified in purpose does not mean we are to be the same as our spouse, or to always think like them.

Henry B. Eyring tells us that “a man and his wife learn to be one by using their similarities to understand each other and their differences to complement each other in serving one another and those around them.”

I don’t have to think and act like my husband to be one with him. We don’t have to, and really shouldn’t be, the same. We can work together in unity to come to a consensus regarding important decisions in our lives.

How can we come to a consensus? By listening, being receptive, open, patient, sensitive, and thinking of what is best for our family. We can come to a consensus by coming to a decision together, as equal partners. Through unity.

 


References:

Ballard, M. Russell (2012-09-03). Counseling with our Councils: Revised Edition: Learning to Minister Together in the Church and in the Family (Kindle Locations 811-815). Deseret Book Company. Kindle Edition. 

Eyring, Henry B. (May 1998). That We May Be One. Ensign.