The Blame Game
It’s not my fault. Don’t worry about it. I was born this way. It’s okay. She started it. He looked at me funny. She doesn’t agree with me, so she must be wrong. The teacher gave me a bad grade on my assignment so they’re making me fail the class now. Video game violence is the reason for school shootings. My neighbor keeps letting her dog poop in my yard and now my grass is ruined. My brother keeps fighting with me and my parents are getting divorced now because of him. My mom is so mean and won’t let me play with my friends until my room is clean. This is so unfair!
We’ve all heard these and other similar excuses and explanations. Some of them may even seem valid. Have you ever blamed someone for ruining your day? If so you are not alone.
Misplaced accountability is not a new epidemic, but it is one that has been fed, nurtured, and allowed to run wild in our society today. What if I told you how you felt is your fault? What if you did have to worry about it? What if you knew that yes, you were born with certain genetic predispositions, but nurture is also intertwined in developing who you are? Yes, she may have started it, but you contributed to and were involved in the issue. Maybe he wasn’t looking at you funny and that is just how he looks at people. We could go on and on and reframe each of the above statements to help you see, but I hope you are getting the picture. Yes, it is not all your fault, but some of it is. Have you ever heard that life isn’t fair? Well, it’s true, and I hope that for all of our sakes that you start getting used to it.
Each individual is responsible for his or her own thoughts, actions, and words. Part of this is what some call nature, and another part is what some call nurture. I like to call it temperament, which is a set of behaviors in a person shaped by genetics and socialization. Your temperament is something that is uniquely yours. How does it get that way? Some of it you are born with, but it is also shaped through socialization. Socialization is the impact that your environment has on you that teaches you how to behave (it is also the impact that you have on your environment- don’t forget that part).
One big, giant, humongous, earth-shattering influence is how you are parented. There are several different styles recognized, and most parents fall primarily in one of these styles: permissive, authoritarian, and authoritative (please click on the links to learn what each style is about). Permissive parenting is a big culprit in fostering misplaced accountability because, according to Gwen Dewar, Ph.D, parents are reluctant to impose limits.
When limits are imposed by parents then children will retain those limits and begin to govern themselves. Permissive parenting may not be fully to blame, but if you don’t teach your children how to make good decisions then they will likely make bad ones and blame others for how they think, feel, and act. Have you ever read the book Lord of the Flies? Here is a quick clip of the movie Lord of the Flies to demonstrate what could happen if children were left to govern themselves.
Another way that children aren’t socialized to internalize proper rules to govern themselves and learn accountability is through helicopter parenting. Joel L. Young, M.D., tells us that “helicopter parenting does kids no favors”. It is pretty much what it sounds like- hover over the children, don’t let them make mistakes, make decisions for them, and don’t let them learn in any other way than you want them to. This creates anxious little people who have no idea how to take care of themselves. With this mindset you can see that nothing would be the child’s fault. How could it be when they don’t know that they can do anything for themselves?
How a child is parented has a lot to do with how they will turn out. Parents- guess what? It is your fault if you don’t do your best to help your children become empowered to make decisions. If you don’t teach children how to make decisions, and help them to learn what good decisions are, what natural consequences are, and that they need to be held accountable for their thoughts, words, actions, and feelings, then you are contributing to the blame game generation.
What if you don’t have children? Is it still your fault? Absolutely. You are responsible for your own feelings, thoughts, words, and actions. Lead by example. Children are watching you. Adults are watching you. You are on display to the world. EVERYONE is accountable for how they feel. EVERYONE is accountable for how they think. EVERYONE is accountable for how they act. EVERYONE is accountable for how they speak.
