Why Should I Try? (And Then How?)

Do you want a happy marriage? I sure do hope so! As you may’ve gathered from my last post, people who are happily married have marriages based on friendship, and friendship at its core is liking each other.

Thus, spouses + like each other = happily married.

We’re going to start out answering the original question early this time: why should I try? I believe we’ve already answered it: so you and your spouse can be happily married. But is that the real answer? I will let you determine that for yourself as you continue to hungrily eat up the words that I feed you.



Paul Gottman, the author mentioned in my previous post, tells us that the core of friendship is fondness and admiration. Think about it- if you are constantly annoyed by every little thing that your spouse does, are you happy? Are you friends? I am sure that we’ve all had that annoyingly whiny and negative friend that we just, for some unknown reason, keep subjecting ourselves to time and again. Do you want that person as your spouse? Do you want to be that person?

Gottman says that “by simply reminding yourself of your spouse’s positive qualities—even as you grapple with each other’s flaws—you can prevent a happy marriage from deteriorating. The simple reason is that fondness and admiration are antidotes for contempt.”

That is another answer to our first question- you should try because you can prevent your marriage from deteriorating. You can do this by developing fondness and admiration for your spouse.

Think of someone you don’t like. Why don’t you like them? Are they annoying, rude, selfish, crazy, lazy, pushy, fake, spiteful, dishonest, sad, or distasteful? My ex-husband comes to mind again (sorry, man).

One of the final straws that broke our marriage’s back was during my ex-husband's birthday party. Throughout that dreadful night he kept sending his friends over to tell me what sort of things I should be doing to him in the bedroom. In front of his dad. In great detail. I was thoroughly embarrassed, upset, sad, depressed, confused, and mortified. I ended up sitting in a corner alone, ignored except for the occasional distasteful recommendation. I sat there stewing as he cast snide glances in my direction. I left him there that night, in more ways than one.

Does that story not ooze contempt? No, I’m not blaming him, it was there on both of our parts. If I rewound time to 3 years before that night, prior to contempt as a way of life, you would likely have seen my thoughts portrayed much differently. I could have made the choice to foster fondness and admiration at that point. I probably could have found it at that party, but neither of us cared to. Our pattern had been set, and neither of us decided to fix it.

“Consider your thoughts, feelings, and actions that are the measure of your character” counsels Wallace Goddard in his book Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage.

You don’t have to end up wallowing in contempt. You can make changes now. If you come anywhere near this point in your marriage, you might find yourself asking why you should try. The truth is, every person, each potential spouse, comes with a mess of problems. What makes you think they would be any better with another person? Each new relationship is another potential set of problems. Don't keep running away. Instead, turn and embrace them, and mutually seek solutions together. Just look at yourself- really look inside. Are you perfect? Absolutely not, but you do have many wonderful qualities, as does your spouse. That is why you should try- to enhance the good qualities in yourself and in your mate.

Gottman wisely states that “the key to reinvigorating fondness and admiration is to get in the habit of scanning for qualities and actions that you can appreciate. And then, let your partner know what you’re observed and are grateful for.”

The plants that you water are the ones that grow (unless you are actually a plant in my house, and then you are most likely doomed). Don’t be that person who doesn’t want to look for and express gratitude for your spouse because you feel dumb doing it, or feel like you are being insincere. Developing a positive habit is not a bad thing, but instead gives you a more realistic perspective.
You always have a choice. Why choose to focus on the stupid stuff? Why dwell on negativity? Why shouldn’t you try? I say you should try, and give it all you’ve got.  

Why should you try? You tell me. You are what you eat.



References:

Gottman, John Phd; Silver, Nan (2015-05-05). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert (p. 22). Potter/TenSpeed/Harmony. Kindle Edition.

Goddard, H. Wallace (2010-02-03). Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage (Kindle Locations 994-995). JoyMap Publishing. Kindle Edition.

What is the Secret to a Happy Marriage?

Here, let’s take a stab at it:

Forgiveness? Unselfishness? Patience? True love? Soulmate status? Financial security? A dramatically expensive wedding? Compatibility? Closeness? Trust? Overlooking faults? Easy to live with? Great in bed?

I think that you could try to make a compelling argument for any of the above items, although I may not agree with you on some (soulmates, pricey nuptials, etc.). Now take a step back and think about it. What can really make a good marriage? Are you just two people that are really attracted to each other? Well, that is most definitely helpful, but the best compatibility comes after this secret, solid, all-quality-encompassing thing. Any guesses yet? Here, let me tell you a couple of stories and see if you can determine the secret to a happy marriage.

Story A: I come home after a long day at work and see my husband on the couch engrossed in the brightly-colored pages of a graphic novel. He takes a moment before he glances up, but I don’t get annoyed; I know he is enjoying the story. My cat me-yowls at me, telling me all about his tough life; the ants he watched take over his food bowl, the nap that got interrupted by a cacophony of disrespectful leaf-blower-wielding gardeners, and how the pit of hunger in his stomach is about to swallow him whole from the inside out. My husband, being the conscientious guy that he is, knows that the cat and I need a moment to talk. After the meows quiet down I look over at my handsome man. His eyes meet mine, sparkling with contentment and amusement. “The cat is starving again, is he? He has such a hard life.” “I know” I tell him, “he told me that you were ignoring him again. Look at him, he is wasting away.” “Me-yowl!” chimes in the furry feline. My husband and I smile at each other as he stretches languidly while rising from the couch, still clutching an amused smile to his face. “Oh dear, I have missed you. What have you been doing today? Wasting your life away, reading nonsensical fluff?” I kid. By this point he has reached me, wrapping me in a hug and nuzzling his face into my neck. “Yup. What are you going to do about it?” he mumbles playfully. I smack his tush. His smile becomes a grin.

Contrast …

Story B: I come home after a long day at work and see my (now ex) husband on the couch engrossed in a ball game. My dog runs up to me, wagging her tail and whining, as if to say she can barely stand it when I’m away. I walk quietly over to the kitchen table to deposit my purse; my husband bobs and weaves his head around me as I momentarily obstruct his view. I swear I almost hear a growl rumbling from his chest. I toss a hello in his direction. I can almost hear it smack headfirst into a stone wall, crumpling to the floor, wasted. I go over to sit next to him on the couch, my dog nuzzling my hand asking for ear scritches. He shifts his weight slightly away from me, mumbling a hello under his breath. “How was your day?” I attempt. Nothing. “Hello?” It comes out with all the affect of a wet noodle slapping the pavement. “Ok” I mumble to myself as I rise. “What?!” he barks, rolling his eyes and stiffening. “Never-mind”, I grumble. “Nice to see you too.” The stony facade never cracks. I go about my after-work business, my heart riddled with the crevices his stone wall rejects. My dog pads faithfully behind me, tongue lolling, eyes loving. I pat her head.

Ok, I didn’t mean to depress you, only to show a point. What is missing in the second story that was present in the first story? What is the sensation that you are feeling? What does it represent? What is the secret to a happy marriage? I bet you are dying to know by now. Just look into your heart a little while and you’ll find it. It is the foundation that no good relationship could ever live without.

Give up? It’s friendship. Don’t laugh. Think. Think about how your marriage could embrace longevity without it. Could any of the things listed in the first paragraph single-handedly sustain your marriage? Could forgiveness, unselfishness, patience, true love, soulmate status, financial security, a dramatically expensive wedding, compatibility, closeness, trust, overlooking faults, being easy to live with, or being great in bed do this alone?






Why is friendship the secret to a happy marriage? As John Gottman states in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, at the heart of a happy marriage is deep friendship, which is a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company. He is a very smart man. He also makes the following claim:

“Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse. … This means that their positive thoughts about each other and their marriage are so pervasive that they tend to supersede their negative feelings.”

Why is friendship the secret to a happy marriage? It helps you like yourself. It helps you like your spouse. Can you ever truly love or commit to something that you don’t like? It helps you develop the attributes and qualities of forgiveness, unselfishness, patience, true love, soulmate status, financial security, a dramatically expensive wedding (ok, this one is a stretch), compatibility, closeness, trust, overlooking faults, being easy to live with, and being great in bed. And it helps you develop them together.

When a couple has a strong relationship then they are better at sending and receiving repair attempts, keeping the relationship strong. Remember the humor and playfulness in story A? The attempt to communicate in story B? Those are repair attempts. During which scenario were these repair attempts successful? Story A, duh! And why?

Friendship; the secret to a happy marriage.



Reference:

Gottman, John Phd; Silver, Nan (2015-05-05). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert (p. 22). Potter/TenSpeed/Harmony. Kindle Edition.